Reasons You Find It So Hard To Say No To Others?
Do you feel under obligation to say yes to people even though you don’t feel like it?
Do you find yourself overcommitting?
Are you worried about disappointing other?Do you say sorry even when it isn’t your fault?
You are not a people pleaser by accident !!
You have most likely experienced events in your life that taught you to invalidate your own experiences. Here are so reasons why people struggle to no others.
Emotional Bonds
Connecting with others is fundamental to our survival. There is no other mammal in the whole world who is as vulnerable as the human baby. Bonding with others and being cared for others is something that our biology trains us to do. Think about it, beside pooping, peeing and breathing, there is nothing else we can do as a baby.
When our early emotional bonding is interrupted by parenting that does not prioritize emotional bonds, we can often develop behaviour’s such as people pleasing. We may have possibly learnt very early on in our life that the way to develop emotional bonds is through people pleasing. We may have learnt very early on that one way to develop emotional bonds with others is through doing things for other people. In turn, you learn that to to avoid rejection or abandonment, you must do things for others even if you do not want to.
The need for connection, acceptance, and emotional responsiveness from significant others is something we all need and require. People-pleasing behavior may be an attempt to fulfill these emotional needs by catering to the expectations and desires of others.
Fear of Vulnerability
It is possible that you learnt in childhood that being emotionally vulnerable as a child is not a safe or unfamiliar place. If you had a parent who did not enquire about your feelings or emotions, it is possible that you never learnt how to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable includes taking risks of having experiences where you are accepted for who you are, even if what you are doing or saying is not liked by others . People-pleasing is often a strategy used by people to prevent them being vulberable because it prevents them having their feelings invalidated. People pleasers there inappropriately prioritize the needs and expectations of others over their own authentic expression. This is not surprising if you never had anyone teach you about your own authentic needs.
Negative Interaction Cycles:
EFT explores negative interaction cycles within relationships, where partners can get caught in patterns of behavior that reinforce emotional distance. People-pleasing may play a role in these cycles, either by one partner consistently prioritizing the other's needs or by avoiding conflict to maintain a semblance of harmony.
Reactive Behaviors:
EFT recognizes that people often react to perceived threats in relationships. People-pleasing can be a reactive behavior, driven by a fear of disconnection or conflict. In EFT, therapists work to help individuals identify and express their underlying emotions and needs more directly.
Creating Secure Emotional Bonds:
EFT aims to create secure emotional bonds within relationships by fostering emotional responsiveness and accessibility. In the context of people-pleasing, therapy may involve helping individuals understand and communicate their own needs and desires more effectively, promoting a more balanced and authentic connection with others.
Self-Exploration and Expression:
EFT encourages individuals to explore their own emotional experiences and express them within the context of a relationship. For people-pleasers, this may involve developing a deeper understanding of their own needs and learning how to express them authentically.
Top reasons people pleasers struggle with saying no to others?
Constant Need for Approval
Seeking approval and validation from others is a common trait among people-pleasers. They may base their self-worth on the opinions and acceptance of others.
Overcommitting
People-pleasers tend to overcommit themselves, taking on more responsibilities than they can handle. This can lead to stress and burnout as they try to meet the expectations of others.
Difficulty Expressing True Feelings: A people-pleaser may find it challenging to express their true feelings, especially if they fear it might upset or disappoint others. They may hide their emotions to maintain a positive image.
Ignoring Personal Boundaries: People-pleasers often neglect their own boundaries and may let others cross them without speaking up. They may prioritize others' needs over their own well-being.
Excessive Apologizing: Apologizing frequently, even for things that are not their fault, is a common behavior among people-pleasers. They may apologize to avoid conflict or to seek reassurance.
Feeling Responsible for Others' Emotions: People-pleasers may take on the responsibility for the emotions of those around them. They may feel guilty if someone is upset, even if they had no direct influence on the situation.
Fear of Rejection: People-pleasers often have a strong fear of rejection or disapproval. This fear can drive them to conform to the wishes of others, even if it means sacrificing their own needs.
Lack of Self-Awareness: Some people-pleasers may not be fully aware of their own needs and desires. They may have become so accustomed to prioritizing others that they've lost touch with their own authentic selves.
If you would like to learn how to challenge your people pleasing, contact Kingston Counselling and Psychotherapy today.
